Friday, September 10
I still wanna love her.
- ive been trying and i am glad ive been able to answer my mum with a lighter tone now, there was once i actually even smile at her even when the day hasn't been good...
everytime i walked into the house, she will start asking questions and that irks me alot. when i have all crazy things to fight with and trying so hard to be normal, i just wanna come home to a peaceful space and loving family who are understanding(which i think my mum will never even attempt to try on this part). especially when she ask about things that already have answers right in front of her. i am an unfilial and rude daughter and i hated myself for ignoring her. sistakin has always been the angel of the two of us, she told me "i know u have your principles and u dont give in to people who disrespects, but if u dont pamper her now, what if one day she's gone like daddy and you wont even have the chance to anymore?". sigh. wotever. it hurts that this relationship is going downfall and im struggling too hard to prove and make her realise she is NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. she might never realise it anyway and i really want to tell her i love her so much but i cant yet coz i had chose to avoid her rather than always ending up disagreeing or worst, a fight. i have learnt to love myself and now, i want to learn to love the people who loves or even loved me. unconditionally. i want to be really happy. be nice. be patient. ba caring. be loved and ultimately, be loving.
i miss the old days when she make monthly visits when we were staying with dad, bringing us to KFC for a yummy feast and theme park for train rides. i like to watch her puffing her dunhill cigarette and leaving purple lipstick stains on the filter. i remember i how used to adore her so much wanted to grow up to be like her,so strong, smart and beautiful. what happened along the way? i am looking forward to be able to hug her and tell her i love her. i am going to try harder this time.
background + morcheeba
trigger hippie
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